Monday, April 04, 2005

Tigers Home Opener and NASCAR Drunks

I'm back at work. Ah, the excitement that is getting up in the morning, showering, dressing, leaving the house and sitting at a desk for 10 hours a day. It doesn't sound like much until you're stuck at home for two solid weeks with just the cats for conversation and company. I love my cats but they suck at dialogue! And I'm a people person, dammit. I need human contact!!! I'm notorious for not wanting to go out at night in a spontaneous manner, but that's when I've been with people all day long at work. Sitting home for two straight weeks is tough. I got so so so bored with my own company.

Yesterday was the Detroit Tigers Home Opener and I had tickets for the first time since (I think it was) 1981. And the weather was the same as it was then – HOT and SUNNY! In Michigan! In April!!! It was insanely ridiculous, but I was not complaining, even when I ended up carrying my jacket, sweatshirt, and blanket out while wearing just a T-shirt. Yup, a T-shirt in Michigan in April and let me tell you, I was HOT!!! No, not smoking *tststst* (sound of steaming escaping) hot, but sweating hot. Who'd have thunk it?

The day was an interesting one. Mine started at 4:00 a.m. when my alarm went off so that I could get to work by 5:00 and get 5 hours of work done before heading downtown. And I did it. I did my weekly reports that the bossman hadn't seen in 2-3 weeks due to my illness and went through my e-mails and voicemails (oops, that reminds me, have to call someone now) and then ran home (I actually drove to work yesterday – slacker) and made PB&Js for Glen, John and me. Darrell had pooh-poohed and ridiculed my offer of a PB&J, so he didn't get one. His loss. ;-)

I ended up driving although I was leery about putting four people in my car since the rear door on the driver's side doesn't like to close if it's accidentally opened. Promises were made….that's all I'm saying. ;-) Our first attempt at heading downtown was aborted at Michigan Avenue when I realised that I did not have my brand new 1935 World Series cap. It had gotten forgotten in the futile shuffle of trying to find a hat to fit Darrell's incredibly large head. I found it on the floor still in its plastic bag and then ran back to the car. The drive there was a joy since every fucking road in the metropolitan Detroit area is under construction – literally every single one. It's mind-boggling. We got there sans mishap and even got the VERY LAST PARKING SPOT in the Fox garage. SCORE!!!

We had plenty of time to wander around the stadium, but our first stop was left field so that Campbell could check out the statue of Al Kaline. Campbell was sporting the finest in home opener fashions with his very own formerly owned by Al Kaline mitt. VERY COOL!

We stopped into one of the shops to try to find Darrell a hat (or Tigers ears), but had no luck. I was bummed. I so wanted to see Darrell in the Tigers ears. It would have been sweet!!!! While wandering we ran into a friend who is 9 months pregnant. We're hoping the excitement of the game plus the Mucho Nachos induced labor, but I haven't heard anything yet, so I'm going to guess that it didn't happen.

The game itself was FABULOUS!! Especially if you're a fan of the long ball or Dmitri Young or my own very personal favorite, Brandon Inge. Dmitri hit THREE home runs. That's THREE home runs in one single season opening game. How cool was that!!!! And he scored on one of his other at-bats because he got hit in the hip by a pitch. It's all good. My Brandon hit a beautiful home run in the 2nd inning (after Dmitri had already gotten his first) with Carlos Peña on base. And when I watched the replay of the game last night, you could tell that Brandon knew the second the ball left his bat that it was gone. He didn't even look, just took off jogging down the first base line. Ah, it was beautiful.

Of course, for some reason all tickets that I get to baseball games (I don’t think it's the same for hockey since there was no hockey this year and I can't remember last year all that well – except for those stupid people behind Glen and me at My Igor's return to the Joe who made disparaging remarks about My Igor) come with instant drunken assholes in the row behind me. I don't know why this is, but it happens more than it doesn't. And yesterday was no exception. First off, it was just men everywhere. Very few women were there or children. Guess that's a clue not to go back for a home opener. The lines to the men's room were stupidly long – longer than the lines to the women's room at Cobo back in 1981 for the Bob Seger concert. And trust me, the lines didn't stop the men from drinking beer, beer and more beer. So, drunken NASCAR assholes show up behind us in the top of the 3rd inning (I'm sure it was because they were too busy drinking beer outside) and promptly asked how we got our three runs. So, we told them, being the good nice Samaritans that we are. Not that the loser believed us, because I guess a woman told him? Who knows…all I know is that Glen heard him say to the women in his group "Sit down, bitches." Ah, now there's some couth and class for ya.

And they just got better from there. At one point, I noticed something bizarre going on just in my peripheral vision and I turned my head toward Glen for a better look and sure enough, the fuckhead behind us was bopping a baseball-looking beach ball off Glen's head multiple times, and I heard him say something about needing to do it again. At that point, I turned my head and looked directly at Jackass NASCAR Loser Fan (they had proclaimed their love of NASCAR over and over again, so I was NOT stereotyping, thank you very much) and gave him the Look of Death. He stopped, but not because he wanted to, let me tell you. Glen had overheard him say that he had managed to get kicked out of every single Tigers Home Opener that he'd attended by getting into a fight and that was his goal for the day. Yeah, now there's maturity for you. This person was at least 40 years old, chronologically, but about 14 emotionally. And then we discovered that he hates Dmitri Young. And EVERY SINGLE TIME Dmitri would come up to bat this paragon of NASCAR-ness would yell, "Hit him the neck. I hate that cocksucker. HIT HIM IN THE NECK!" One of his cohorts said something about how that would injure/kill Dmitri and his response was "Let him die. I hate that cocksucker." Yeah, somehow they always find us. And from something Glen overheard, he simply didn't like Dmitri because he happens to be Black. Yeah, welcome to White Suburbanites as they make their one trip to Downtown Detroit in 2005. Still racist after all these years. Unfrickinbelievable. I'd like to pound the crap out of people like that.

After Dmitri hit his third home run of the game (only the third person in baseball history to do that, after George Bell and Tuffy Rhodes), Campbell was trying to get in the "Hit him in the neck" guy's face, but I had to stop him. That guy was stupid and drunk, and would have killed him, but it was hilarious seeing Campbell screaming, "Yeah, go Dmitri. You're the man!" And something about not hitting him in the neck. And jumping around like a mad thing. It was HILARIOUS! We had also determined around the 7th inning that after I had said that one of the players was cute that he got a base hit, so then we had to do that. Campbell jumped right in and said how cute Carlos Guillen was and then it was Darrell's turn, so he muttered something about Pudge being cute, but it didn't work. We told Darrell he couldn't do it anymore as he was a jinx, but Campbell was right there doing what he could to help the Tiges win. Not that it was really an issue at that point, but it was again stinkin' hilarious.

Glen would have joined us in the frivolity I'm sure but he had gone for a walk (to avoid getting into a fight with the fuckhead behind him) and thought he'd find a nice quiet restroom in which to pee. Well, once again, beer mixed with asshole turned against poor Glen and he ended up in a restroom where two guys felt the need to start a fight and the police came in, locked the doors and then proceeded to kick everybody in the restroom out….that would be out of the BALLPARK! Thank God he had his cell phone because he called us to say he couldn't get back in and he'd meet us at the car. We offered to leave right away but he said he was fine, so we watched the remaining inning and a half and then met him at the car. The poor thing never even got to pee!!!! And he's the biggest baseball fan of the group (well, he is probably tied with Campbell for that honor) and he missed half the game because some loser gets his kicks out of getting into fights. I hate loser asshole NASCAR types who can't handle their alcohol.

While watching the replay last night though, I had to laugh. Jeff Daniels, Hollywood actor and huge Detroit Tigers fan, was at the game and they had him in the booth and were talking to him. At one point, Mario asked him if he watched the other teams to see how things go down in relation to the Tigers, etc. Jeff said, Yes, and that he had watched the off-season signings and losses particularly. Then he said, "I think we have a chance to take the Central Division this year. Minnesota lost a few people." Mario, 'Yes, they did." Jeff: "And they picked up Eric Munson." I about fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. Jeff realised immediately what he had said and said, "God bless you, Eric." with his head on the desk, while Mario and Rod laughed. I was crying I was laughing so hard. Eric Munson was the bane of my existence last year as he just sucked royally. If there was an error last year you can guarantee that Eric was the cause (except for that Colorado game and that was Jason Smith's fault, but supposedly he's not that bad, so I'm supposed to give him a break this year – we'll see). I tried calling Glen to see if he had heard it, but there was no answer. Bummer. I did call Darrell and he had muted the TV, but I had to share it with him. It was too golden!!!!

That was essentially my day - all in all, it was a good one, but it would have been a lot better if drunken assholes would just stay home and if Glen could have enjoyed the game – the entire game!

I guess I'll wait another 24 years before I try going to another Tigers Home Opener.


Post a Comment

<< Home