Thursday, March 17, 2005


People talk incessantly about the "meaning of life." And it makes me wonder why? Why does there need to be a meaning to life? Are these people just trying to appear to be more philosophical and deeper than the rest of us?

Clarity seems to be going through a mid-life crisis and it made me think that instead of boring the few people who read this with what I've been knitting or what movie I've watched that I would try to let others know, like Clarity, that none of us knows what the hell life is about. And if people tell you they know, they're lying, or ultra-religious. ;-) I sincerely think that it's about being the best person you can be. And that doesn't mean, necessarily, being rich and famous or finding the cure for cancer, it's doing what you can to make your little corner of the world (or even a bigger corner, if that's your bent) a better place for the people around you. You know, "Practice random acts of kindness." And shit like that.

I really think it's just about getting through each day the best that I can. And that can mean, barely getting through each day like last week when I don’t remember physically talking to people, or smiling at a stranger in a store who looks like they could use a pick-me-up.

Yesterday was a miserable day, news-wise, for me. I read early in the morning that the Archdiocese of Detroit is closing down my high school. Is that tragic news? No, not really, but it made me very sad reading the article where my old high school is just one of 18 closing in Detroit. And then while I was at the gym last night stuck in front of the Fox News Channel (*gag*) I saw that the bloody fucking Senate voted to approve drilling in the ANWR. FUCKERS! I was going to start my entry today as "I hate Republicans" with a link on Republicans to a news story about the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, but it makes me too sad. I had to leave the gym without doing any abdominal work because I didn't want people to see me cry. What the fuck is wrong with this country that instead of looking forward and trying to protect the future of the planet, we are more concerned with saving a couple of bucks on a barrel of oil? It's just so goddamn selfish. I blew my Lenten resolution of not using the F-word or the G-D word right out of the water last night and when it comes to this issue, well, I guess I'll be putting lots of quarters in that rice bowl.

I just thank God for my Senators, Carl Levin and Debbie Stabenow. But if I lived in the states that had Democrats voting for drilling, I'd be spitting nails right about now and they'd be hearing from me. Actually, I'm thinking of calling my Senators and thanking them for their efforts. Will I do it? Probably not, as I'm just not that politically active, but I might.

Does it help to know that other people suffer from the same insecurities about life? I think it can help because it makes me, at least, feel less alone in the world, especially because it seems like everybody else is so much more secure and know what they want and are doing it. I don't want some high-powered job, but that works for some people. I’m not in the least bit artistic, and that actually bothers me more than the lack of high-powered-career-success. I'd rather be creative and artistic than rich and powerful and business-like.

My aunt (not the RAfH) told me years ago that all of us kids (my siblings) are doomed to failure because of the way my father dealt with us. Those weren't her exact words, it was more along the lines of we're all afraid to try to succeed because he browbeat us with our failures. Why try to do something when it's just going to come back and hit you in the face? Do I consider myself a failure? I think that's a little harsh, actually, but I don't think of myself as a rousing life success. I wouldn't go into a class reunion crowing about my life…am I embarrassed by my life and its lack of success? I think I'm more embarrassed by my complete lack of ambition. And I'm not really that embarrassed by that. I like my life. Am I wildly happy? No, but I'm not completely miserable and I really think that contentment in life is a tad more reliable than extreme happiness which is ephemeral at best.

The ex's brother the other day was complaining about how hard it is to find a woman at his age (he's divorced) who isn't selfish. I told him that I prefer the term "set in our ways," and his response was "I guess I'm more honest." Well, having dated his brother, my feeling is that he wants a woman who will cook and clean and keep his house, and most women who have been on their own would prefer someone with whom they can have a real relationship and just not be someone's housecleaner and cook. It's possible that he's really met some extremely selfish women, but I'm keeping my own counsel on this matter.


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