I feel so helpless...
When I got home from work today I received a phone call from a friend. He sounded very distraught, so I asked him what was wrong. I could tell he had been or was crying and he said something about going out for a beer. I told him that I couldn't as I was waiting for the UPS man (have I ever said how much I completely hate UPS?), but that I had beer in the house and why didn't he come over. He agreed and I raced arond the house trying to make it look like someone other than a complete pig lives here.
He stayed for a little less than two hours and when he left he scared the hell out of me. "If you don't hear from me in a few days, know that I appreciate having known you." I felt so helpless! What could I do? I couldn't hogtie and keep him in my apt., but I so didn't want him to leave. He talked about how he almost took his dog to the pound today. I am absolutely beside myself wondering if he's okay. Wondering what I should do or could do.
No matter what I said, no matter how sensible it was, he wasn't listening. He just kept calling himself a fuck-up and that he was so exhausted and he was just so tired of it all. I kept telling him that he is a good person and that life isn't easy, but most of the time I honestly had no idea what to say to him. If he hadn't been so severely depressed, I might have tried to tease him a little bit, but I knew that wasn't going to work.
I feel that I should be angry with him for possibly thinking about throwing away a perfectly good life when I have a friend who has just been diagnosed with brain cancer and from the sounds of it is not going to make it. I feel like my heart is breaking because this incredible woman is facing chemo and radiation for a year while one of my friends has reached a point where he doesn't feel like life is worth the pain. The thing is that I'm not angry with him because I understand. I've been there. I just so badly wish I could do something for him. I tried to get him to look me in the eyes and promise that he wouldn't hurt himself but he said he couldn't do it. I just want to cry, because I feel so fucking helpless.
Please keep him in your thoughts or prayers or send good vibes and not just to him, but for my friend with brain cancer. And her family, her husband has survived two bouts with cancer and this is her second, but at some point I'm scared the miracles will end and that will suck royally. So, please do what you can to think good thoughts and send them this way. Thanks.
*hugs*
posted by Kathleen @ 7:30 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
oh no! i hope he's ok!*my prayers are with him*
ITs jane/goldieknox03 from dland. I have a blogspot, but its empty.
anyways. pattern. hmm. i made it up in my head.
I used some cheap acrylic(the only orange i could find)+sz 6 circulars and cast on for 17 inches. about 84 or so. I did st st for about 3 inches then switched to brick stitch. *purl 5, knit 5* till end. continue for five rows then switch to knit five purl five for five rows. Go back and forth till it was about 3.5 inches of the brick stitch. Begin decreases every 10 stitches i knit or purl 2 tog. i try to make it a bit even so that it decreased to 4st squares, then 3 and so on. Then when i had about 16 stitches left i switched to brown. continued to decrease in brown till i had 4 stitches left. At that time i didnt have dpns and i-cord was illuding me so i switched to a crochet hook and fashioned the stem. I-cord would be easier. about 2 inches tall.
Then i crocheted a leaf and embroidered with brown on it.
wow. im sure i confused you. ive never typed that up before. gah. well. email me, ill try harder next time:) thanks. Janeknox01@hotmail.com
I hope that both of your friends find the best path. I pray that he finds his way down the right one, even if it is full of hills and other obstacles. I hope that your other friend's path has no end in sight and that she is guided along the way by miracles.
That is a good point about throwing away a good life when others are losing theirs without wanting to.
I hope things turn out well for everyone you mentioned there and for you too. Hugs for all
Thanks for catching up on my blog. Wonderful comments... Thankyou.
I totally understand feeling angry toward him. We've all had hard times and pain. I've been a mess a few times in my life and have contemplated suicide (not very seriously, just toyed with the idea really). There's religion, meditation, getting out of your rut and trying something else, professional help, taking strong steps to make yourself more self-reliant and less needy — it can be done.
I will pray for your friends. I am so sorry, first of all, for your friend who is facing a second battle with cancer, after having been on the supporting end too, with her husband. And as for your other friend - I know it is SO hard not to feel personally responsible for the people you care about. But whatever he decides - and I pray that he will hang on for the silver lining - is HIS decision. IF something happens, you shouldn't blame yourself or think, Oh I should have said this or that. I know that's easy for me to say, all the way over here. But short of hog-tying him, as you said, he's a grown man and all you can do is pray for him and leave it up to God, who knows what He is doing even if we don't get it, or agree with it. Hang in there, K-
Oy! That brought up memories from about 20 years ago when I received a phone call from one of my close friends. He was incoherent and sobbing, saying he loved me. He then called another friend and this friend was able to get his location from him (because the other friend was a couple of hours away and couldn't do anything). I got a call from this friend telling me where he (the suicidal friend) was.
Turns out he drove to the family cottage and took a lot of his father's heart medication to try to off himself. Luckily we got him to the hospital where they pumped his stomach and got him stabilized. It was a very scary time. He spent a lot of time in the hospital after that getting some psychiatric care.
Now he's a happy guy, owns his own bar, has an active social life, participates with some charities.
It's so good to see he pulled through that. I'm hoping your friend sees that is more than one solution to his problems.
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