Thursday, July 21, 2005


I had such a bad day yesterday and after thinking about how my high school friends dissed (what is the proper word anyway? What did we use before "dis"? I know that dis is for disrespect, but that's not the word I would have used) me. I didn't include this yesterday but Judy told me the reason Norm didn't like me was because I was "insecure." Well, I'm pretty sure the way to make an insecure person more insecure is to start excluding them from functions and make them wonder even more what's wrong with them. And then I thought more about it and realised that I'm still that silly insecure teenager, it's just that over the years I've learned to hide my insecurities. And now I wonder if the way I hide my insecurities has made me too obnoxious to be around. Think of the number of people you know who have to outdo you in everything you do or say. I've always figured those people are just trying to hide their incredible insecurity. I try not to judge those people too harshly, because I can tell that it's the insecurity talking, and maybe I can tell that because I'm so insecure myself.

Therefore I'm viewing my options as 1) continue to be the person I've been for however long and if people don't like it, fuck it; 2) learn to keep quiet and not feel the need to express an opinion unless asked for it; or 3) be a hermit and embrace my insecurities tightly to me and damn Norm and then myself for allowing what some fuckhead said 22 years ago get to me.


At Thursday, 21 July, 2005, Blogger Erica said...

I believe the term you were looking for was "bailed." As in, your friends bailed on you. Not quite the same as disrespect, but it implies a lack of respect when they left you out, or bailed on you.

I salute your embrace of you. I was always quiet and insecure too, and I am still pretty quiet, though I can be outgoing, in a sincere way, when I want to, with total strangers. I find there is power in silence. Think about it - you are sitting with someone and they don't say much so you feel compelled to fill the silence with your own prattle, feeling more and more desperate to come up with something interesting since they've said little in response so far and you assume you must be boring the hell out of them. (Insecurity there, too!) Try saying little, yourself. The less you talk, the more others will talk. I believe it's actually a Bible verse, about silence equalling wisdom or something like that, in that the less you talk, the more you hear.

Blah blah blah! (And I've made it to where HP arrives at Hogwarts and, by the way. Malfoy = major tool. All I'm gonna say.)

At Thursday, 21 July, 2005, Blogger Jason said...

Don't change for anybody but yourself. You're a pretty hep kat. Run with it. Your strong opinions are part of your persona, which I dig. If you didn't feel as strongly about certain things and vocalize it you may potentially come across as boring and then maybe I wouldn't want to hang out with you. Since you're passionate against so many things though, you may come across as "negative" to new acquaintances. That may be a risk, but anyone you'd want to know can see the positives pretty quickly. You're a pretty awesome person. Don't give a shit about high school...I certainly don't.


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