Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Life Can Really Suck

I signed up with Diaryland back in December but never really thought about starting my own diary, but today is such an incredibly sucky day that I felt the need to write about it. And since I was already sitting at my computer it was easier than finding my old paper and pen journal.

Why does life suck so badly? A dear friend of mine has been unwell for a while and even though I've known that and he's been in the hospital for the past month (essentially) and felt that time was limited, it really sucks to find out that he's been given a week to live.

We have a hardcore group (shit, I need to let the less hardcore people know) of friends who stick by each other even though we're scattered all over the country. And Paula got a call today from my friend's wife and she was crying. Unfortunately, Paula was away from her desk at the time and only got P. crying and saying she had bad news. Paula called me to get P's cellphone #, as I am the keeper of the addresses and phone numbers for the group, and she tells me what the message said. I start crying at work because I'm already fearing the worse - a trait I get from my mother whom I did call to let her know as she knows my friends and loves J. as much as the rest of us.

Paula sends out an e-mail to the group and there's an immediate response and feeling of love. I do have the most amazing friends in the world. Paula wonders if we can figure out what hospital J is in as she's not getting a response from P's cellphone. I eventually (after three attempts - not bad) find the right hospital and P answers the phone when the receptionist rings J's room. She tells me that they're going home today and that J is going off dialysis permanently. My heart stops and even though I know what this means, I need to have it verified before I lose it (which I was trying desperately not to do to poor P). She says, "it means what you think it means." Bloody hell. She tells me more details and I ask, "So, how long do we have?" "About a week." Blood fucking hell. I'm not ready for that.

I send out an e-mail to the group and we decide to repair to the chat to formulate a gameplan - how can we help P&J? And that's the quintessential question, isn't it? Is there anything at all that we can do to help?

As I walked home from work (I looked fabulous at work as nearly complete strangers asked if I were okay), I thought how I had only known J for 9 years and how we had a big reunion planned for next year. Prepare for major geekdom here: We all met in 1995 in the espn.com Auto Racing Chat and we were hoping to have a big reunion next year to mark our tenth anniversary of being friends. These people are truly my friends and I love them unconditionally.

We've had our share of tragedies over the years. My dear adopted Dad, Griz, succumbed to his second bout of cancer back when I was living in SF (1997). God, that sucked. Griz's wife called me one Saturday to let me know that he was given mere days. I had to call everybody (and there was a bigger crowd still together back then) and then one week later I called them all back to let them know that the big C had gotten Griz this time. While making the phone calls about Griz, I called TTO and got his wife who informed me that he had had an accident while racing that summer and suffered from a closed head injury. I think she resented me calling even though she said I could call for updates, because one time she put him on the phone even though he had no idea who I was. I think I still resent that. I took it as a hint not to call anymore and it makes me sad not to know how he's doing. He was a dear soul. And now this...

Right now, we are all worried about P and how is she going to handle it when J is gone. And what should we do about it. I'm definitely planning on driving down for the funeral whenever it is. P&J are too important to me to miss. And I live close enough (5-6 hours) that it's no big deal.

But right now I need another beer. I was going to go and vote, but who the fuck cares who is on the Dearborn School Board - Okay, I might if I had kids, but I don't and I'm going to be selfish and drown my sorrows here at home.


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